How to Communicate What You Want

If you ask the average 23-year-old guy what makes someone “good in bed,” you will likely hear a list of physical techniques, stamina requirements, or ideas pulled directly from adult entertainment.

This is fundamentally incorrect. The absolute greatest lovers in the world—the ones whose partners rave about them and eagerly want to see them again—are not necessarily the ones with the most acrobatic skills. They are the ones with the best communication skills.

In a society that treats sex as a deeply secretive, shameful taboo, we are never taught how to actually talk about it. We are conditioned to believe that physical intimacy should be a spontaneous, silent, mind-reading exercise. When we bring this silence into the bedroom, it leads to awkwardness, misaligned expectations, and ultimately, a lack of real enjoyment.

If you want to take maximum pleasure from your physical encounters, whether they are casual hookups or serious relationships, you have to break the silence. You have to learn how to use your words.

The Mind-Reading Myth

The biggest barrier to enjoying physical relationships is the expectation of telepathy.

We watch movies where two people lock eyes across a room, fall into bed, and immediately know exactly how to touch each other to elicit maximum pleasure, all without uttering a single word. This creates an impossible standard.

In reality, every single human body is different. What feels incredible to one partner might feel uncomfortable, ticklish, or downright painful to another. What you enjoyed with a previous girlfriend might be entirely ineffective with your next one. When exploring your bisexuality, you will find that what works with male partners might require an entirely different approach than what works with female partners.

If you do not tell your partner what you like, they are just guessing. If they do not tell you what they like, you are just guessing. And guessing is a terrible strategy for a fulfilling physical relationship. Drop the expectation that a good partner should “just know” what to do. They don’t. You have to give them the instruction manual to your body, and you have to ask for the instruction manual to theirs.

Overcoming the Shame of Desire

Before you can communicate your desires to a partner, you have to be comfortable admitting them to yourself. Growing up in a conservative environment often leaves us with a lingering sense of guilt regarding our sexual preferences. You might feel that asking for something specific makes you seem “weird,” “demanding,” or “dirty.”

You must actively dismantle this shame. As long as a physical act is safe, sane, and enthusiastically consensual between two adults, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

If you want to try a new position, if you want the lights on (or off), if you want a specific kind of touch, you have the right to ask for it. The fear of being judged often stops young men from communicating, but ironically, the partners who judge you for communicating your desires are usually the ones who are heavily burdened by their own insecurities. A healthy, mature partner will welcome your communication because it takes the pressure off them to guess.

How to Talk About Sex (Before the Bedroom)

The most effective communication about physical intimacy rarely happens while you are actively engaged in it. The heat of the moment can make it difficult to articulate complex thoughts, and it can increase the fear of rejection.

The best time to discuss boundaries, desires, and logistics (like STI testing and condoms) is in a completely non-sexual setting.

• Over Coffee or Drinks: If you are on a date and you feel the night is heading toward physical intimacy, bridge the topic casually. “I’m having a really great time with you. Just so we are on the same page, what are your thoughts on [specific act]?”
• The “What do you like?” text: If you are texting someone you plan to hook up with, a playful “What’s your favorite thing in bed?” can open the door to a highly informative conversation that builds anticipation while establishing clear guidelines.

Discussing it beforehand removes the pressure. It allows both of you to state your hard boundaries (“I don’t do X, but I really love Y”) without the awkwardness of having to stop a physical act midway through.

Positive Reinforcement During Intimacy

Once you are actually in the bedroom, communication should transition from logistical planning to active feedback. The most powerful tool you have here is Positive Reinforcement.

Human beings are wired to seek approval. When we do something right, we want to know. Instead of focusing on what your partner is doing wrong, aggressively praise what they are doing right.

• Instead of: “Don’t touch me there.”
• Try: “I really love it when you touch me here instead.”
• Instead of: “You’re going too fast.”
• Try: “It feels incredible when you go slower.”

Vocalizing your pleasure is incredibly hot. Moaning, sighing, or simply saying “Yes, exactly like that” or “That feels amazing” provides real-time GPS coordinates for your partner. It tells them they are on the right track, which boosts their confidence, which in turn makes them perform better.

Checking In with Your Partner

Communication is a two-way street. You must be just as aggressive about asking for their feedback as you are about giving your own.

Never assume that because a partner is silent, they are enjoying themselves. Some people freeze up when they are uncomfortable. It is your job to check in.

• “Does this feel good for you?”
• “Do you want me to try something else?”
• “Tell me what you want me to do.”

If a partner says “I don’t know” or seems hesitant, stop the specific action you are doing. Return to something you know they enjoy (like kissing or cuddling) and re-establish a baseline of comfort.

The Ultimate Hack for Enjoyment

Honesty is the ultimate hack for physical enjoyment. It filters out people who want different things, and it frees you up to fully enjoy the moment with people who are on the exact same page.

When you learn to communicate your desires without shame, and when you learn to listen to your partner’s desires without judgment, the anxiety surrounding physical relationships evaporates. You are no longer performing a routine; you are collaborating on a shared experience.

Once you master communication, you must also master the inevitable flip side of dating: what happens when the communication results in a “no.” In the next part of this series, we will tackle the bruised egos, the sting of rejection, and how to set and respect hard boundaries without losing your mind.

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Read the next part of the series here: Part 8: Handling Rejection and Setting Boundaries